9 Thoughts

( Because 9 is my new favourite number.)

One
I hate myself. 

Two
I'm scared to sleep at night because whenever I close my eyes it's as if the ruthless words of hatred and disgust that were thrown at me relentlessly replay over and over in my head as if it was a broken record perched on the top of a dusty shelf that isn't within a reachable distance. 

Three
I don't know who I am anymore. I lost her somewhere within this sea of sadness I plunged myself into.

Four
Fat, Ugly, Worthless, Useless. Fat, Ugly, Worthless, Useless. Fat, Ugly, Worthless, Useless. These are the words that taunt me everyday and latch onto me like a blood thirsty leech that just found a new piece of flesh to feed off on.

Five
Whenever somebody tells me to be who I am and that they won't judge. I laugh. I laugh because being who I am is just a distant memory. I cant be who I am because I lost who I was in fifth grade when I skipped my first meal, when I learned what it felt like to genuinely hate myself, when I first put that razor on my left hand and drew lines over lines that glistened crimson, when I learned how to numb myself so that I feel nothing at all. Now here I am in present time, curled up in a ball of my own self pity, crying out all the feelings I wish I had. 

Six
Some days, I wish I could find the me that loves me, but I can't because the horrid words that were uttered to me stabbed me over and over again relentlessly and when you finally walked away, i stood there bleeding out all the love and trust i used to have.

Seven
I hate telling people how I really feel because they take it as a yearning for attention, not a cry for help. I hate telling people how I feel because they would treat me as if I was a problem and not a human.

Eight
I just wish that someone would paint on me as if I were a blank canvas and turn me into something magnificent because I am tired of continuously painting red lines on myself in hopes that my tear-stained cheeks, lifeless eyes, and pain will turn me into the beautiful girl society expects me to be. 

Nine
I just wish I was normal.