It's not that I dont love, It's that I do...

"it’s not that i don’t love you.
it’s the sound i heard when i was 9 and my mom slammed the front door so hard behind her i swear to god it shook the whole house. for the rest of the years, i watched my father break his teeth on vodka bottles. i think he stopped breathing when she left. i think part of him died. i think she took his heart with her when she walked out. his chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills.
it’s not that i don’t love you. it’s all the blood in the sink.
it’s the night that my dad spent 12 hours in the emergency room waiting to see if i was going to be okay, after the boy i loved, didn’t love me anymore. it’s the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. so much blood.
it’s not that i don’t love you. it’s the time that i had to stay up for two days straight with my best friend while she cried and shrieked and threw up on my bedroom floor because her boyfriend fucked his ex. i swear to god she still has tear streaks stained onto her cheeks.
i think when you love someone, it never really goes away. it’s not that i don’t love you. it’s the six weeks we had a substitute in english because our teacher was getting divorced and couldn’t handle getting out of bed. when she came back she was smiling. but her hands shook so hard when she held her coffee, you could see that something was broken inside. and sometimes when things break, you can’t fix them. nothing ever goes back to how it was. i got an a in english that year. i think her head was always spinning too hard to read any essays.
it’s not that i don’t love you.
it’s that i do."

Self Harm #1

Some call it crazy
Some say it's sick
But I think it's freedom
The pain is fierce but quick
Some say that it's a sin
Just a little too risqué
But it helps release the pain
That I go through every day
The blade is sharp and cold
As it runs across my skin
Leaving me to ponder
How deep I cut in
The chill running  down my spine
Makes me feel at ease
I no longer feel like a coward
Fucking up with every breath I breathe
But some days I want to stop
Feeling like everything's wrong
Trying to let go of the blade
Sometimes I can but not for long
It;s like I'm addicted to the pain
The feeling taking refuge in my veins
Leaving me feeling confused and alone
Wiping at the tears that seem to be stained
Burned into my skin forever
Becoming a part that I cannot escape
Sometimes I just want to hurt all over
To scream at the top of my lungs 'til they break
I want to escape from my memories
They're taking over me
Why can't I just rest?
Why can't they let me be?
 
I just want to be free.

 ~ Just another old one ~ :)

FYI : I used to self harm, but now I'm clean since 1 year :) yay!! :) 

P.S. I will be posting a lot poems and posts based on self harm and depression. Stay tuned to check them :) Also don't forget to share and subscribe to by blog. 

Thanks! I hope you have a great day :) or well, night :p

P.S.S. If anyone of you ever want to talk regarding self harm or depression, I'm always here :) Feel free to contact me at iammissanonymous101@gmail.com , I will always reply :) 

Take Care

Be Strong

Much Love & XOXO

Dia :)

Death

it’s a quiet thing,
death is.
because no matter how loud you scream
how hard you cry
or if you slip away on your own
everyone around you grasping at your life
that falls like sand through their fingers
time moves on.
and i still can’t quite understand
how you can go from being everything
made up of stardust
and the remains of galaxies
to being nothing at all
and still life
moves on.

Death #2

Scariest thing is you don't know when its arriving,
Kills you more when you are thriving.

You are left scrounging for breath,
A tragedy like that of Macbeth.

You have few seconds left,
Bereft of loved ones.

Memories roll down the lane,
Except Mother Earth everyone looks at you in disdain.

Now you ain't called by your name,
You have lost your fame

Because in a shapeless flame, 

 death overcame.

~ Just another old poem ~

Don't Ever Say Goodbye

It was a hot winter morning. Sana stood on the balcony, sipping her cup of tea. She’d been getting nightmares lately, dreams she could not even begin to understand. It was the same vision night after night.

“I’m telling you, I’m fine, baby.” Ishaan purred in her ear, handling the steering wheel a little too fast.
 
She was scared. “Just concentrate on the road, Ish. I’m late. And you’re drunk.” She said anxiously.

“Which doesn’t help.”

He almost laughed. “You’re fine. As long as we’re together, nothing’s going to happen.”

Her heart skipped a beat. What could you say to that?

“I love you.” She simply said.

He stared at her for what seemed like forever. He shifted his eyes from the road and simply looked at her, drinking her in. “I love you.”

There was a loud sound every time and then complete darkness. She’d wake up every night with sweat on her face.
 
It had been more than a year since Ishaan had left her life. From everything to nothing. No calls, no texts, nothing. He just disappeared. And the worst part was, they had it all. They were amazing together. What he did to her, no one else could. And once he left, he left a hole in her heart. She tried dating again, but somehow nothing ever worked out. Nobody was ever good enough. She just wanted him. But she didn’t know where he was. He left without saying goodbye. That’s what hurt the most. More than all the questions in her mind. She kept wondering, ‘Was I that easy to give up?’

Ishaan and Sana had a complicated story of their own. He was the popular jock, she was the debating girl.

And yet they saw in each other, what no one else ever did. He saw her as someone who wasn’t afraid of taking risks, someone who didn’t simply want to accept things as they were, and someone who wanted to leave a little bit of herself in the world. She saw him as someone who was misunderstood, someone with issues, someone damaged who could be saved. And for that, they loved each other.

She would always be hard on herself. She’d always think that she was unworthy of happiness. While all her friends were in relationships, she had accepted the fact that she wasn’t meant for love. But then Ishaan came into her life.

 It wasn’t love at first sight. Actually, it was anything but that. She was asked to write an article on the football match for the team he was captaining. She didn’t like him at first glance. I mean sure, he was good looking, but a guy’s got to be more than that, right? He was cocky, rude and a little too full of himself. It was only later that she realised that that was just pretence.

 He wasn’t cocky; he was just proud. He wasn’t rude; he just wasn’t much of a talker, and he wasn’t too full of himself; he was just awkward during conversations. They never wanted to display their love in public. They thought that would cheapen their love. In fact, love wasn’t the right word. It was too little, too casual and too insufficient to capture what they shared. What they had was way more than that. They discovered so much about each other that sometimes they’d just forget about everything else. When they were together, everything else ceased to matter. She was his. He was hers. And deep inside, they both knew they’d last forever.

It was last New Year’s when it had happened. She had a deadline to reach home and she was already late. She was pulling Ishaan to take her home, but he was already drunk.

He had not shifted his gaze from the road for one minute, when a truck hit their car and changed their lives forever.

Yes. Her worst nightmare occurred one and a half years back, and yet Sana lives the same day on repeat, again and again.

Things to do before I die

Q. What’s a Bucket List?

If you haven’t heard about the term “bucket list”, it is a list of all the goals you want to achieve, dreams you want to fulfill and life experiences you desire to experience before you die.

Q. Why Create a Bucket List?

If you don’t live your days by personal goals and plans, chances are you spend most of your time caught up in a flurry of day-to-day activities. Ever feel your days are passing you by without any tangible output to speak of? What did you accomplish in the past 3 months? What are your upcoming goals for the next 3 months? Look at the things you did and the things you’re planning to do next – Do they mean anything to you if you are to die today? Having a bucket list reminds you of what’s really important so you can act on them.

A bucket list opens up the context. It’s a forum to set anything and everything you’ve ever wanted to do, whether it’s big, small or random or stupid.

 Things to do

Ranging from realist things I want to achieve in my life to the complete stupid and fun things I want to  do before or die, because what is life without all the stupid mindless things? (>‿◠)

 

1. Travel all around the world

2. Learn a new language

3. Try a profession in a different field/ Pursue a passion

4. Achieve your ideal weight

5. Run a marathon

6. Take up a new/ extreme sport

7. Learn a strategy game

8. Give a heartfelt surprise to someone

9. Perform a kind deed without expecting anything in return

10. Make a difference in someone’s life

11. Sing to an audience

12. Find true love

13. Give people a reason to remember my name

14. Have a walk in closet

15. Learn to Swim

16. Write a novel

17. Swim with dolphins

18. Stay for a night at the world's most expensive hotel

19. Try an unusual cuisine

20, Gamble in Las Vegas

21.       Try to eat air

22.       Walk up to a small kid that resembles you, and tell them that you are from the future.

23.       Point at someone and shout,"you're one of them!" And crawl away slowly.

24.       Look yourself up on Google.

25.       Call someone up and tell them that you can't talk to them right now.

26.       Draw pictures in total darkness and see how they turn out.

27.       Put socks on and run and slide across the room.

28.       Push EVERY single button in an elevator and then get off

29.       Go in an elevator and dance to elevator music 

30.   Run into a mall and fall on your knees and say “he is back from the dead!!!” before fake dying.

31.   Go to the mall and go up and down the escalators and see how long it takes until you get kicked out.

32.   Do the Harlem shake in a crowded mall. And see who joins in.

33.   Go to McDonald's and ask them for French fries without the potato.

34.   Walk up to the manager at McDonald's and sing ' oh McDonald has a farm ...!! '

       35. Walk up to a stranger and sing ask him/her their name is and start singing happy birthday for  them.

36.   Go in the street and act like you’re a traffic guard.

37.   Gather a group of friends, stand in the front, and shout,"for Narnia!!" and run down the street.

38.   Ask every fifth person on the street where Hogwarts is.

39. Have a water balloon fight.

40. Touch a Panda

  “Every man dies – Not every man really lives.” ~ William Ross

“The only people who fear death are those with regrets.” ~ Author Unknown

I hope that this article will inspire you to create your bucket list.☺(For those of you with your bucket list already, perhaps it’s time to review and update it!) Share this post with others on Facebook/Twitter to inspire them to create their list too. Enjoy! ツ  

Topic: Lets post our Bucket List: Ten Things You Would Want To Do, no let me rephrase, TEN THINGS YOU MUST DO BEFORE YOU DIE or else you would feel like a loser on a death bed? lets share and motivate each other about life. Lets Dream about life, your life. #LifeDeathBucketList